I really wanted something grand to announce my ascension to blog captain for these next couple of weeks, but grandness doesn't come easy in this day and age.

Nate "Honk If You're Horny for Golf" Barberick and I once briefly discussed how terrible a certain movie about a writer was, though I think both of us only saw the trailer.

I know I only saw the trailer.

A certain passage from this movie that was utilized in the trailer grated on me, burned into my memory and always seemed at the tip of my thoughts. This was in the early days of the Internet, when I was a full five inches taller (don't ask) and the sky was full of kicking horses. I thought about sampling the passage and trying out the baby Internet as delivery system for the ridiculousness that had been branded onto my brain--no explanation, just the passage, looped, on/in/within the Internet, a megaphone of hate.

I was under no illusion that the project would exorcise the passage from my being, but it seemed like it could be the next best thing to rebroadcasting my sleeping dreams, image-by-image-feeling-by-feeling (which I had dreamt about as a child and would still if I wasn't so jaded by the ugly realities of existence.).

So, I thought about doing it for a while. I lived in an apartment building that smelled like dogs because it was full of pit bulls. Most of the other occupants of the building seemed unhinged and/or special. Me? I was a fucking genius. I video taped a falling burning mattress thrown by a firefighter from a 6story window in the building next door to mine, then a man picking his nose near the scene. I ate Morningstar fake chicken every night, ladies!

At some point at my desk at work, I believe it was in the A.M. (as if it matters), I received what was then called an email that contained this link. I then realized a bunch of shit about the world and myself.

D. Rolf (Your Captain, Your Stomach, Your Lotion, for two weeks)

These early days of the year have been a time of sober reflection for we collectivistas. How much food did we eat? The crease between this year and last is surely bulging--we can't go back!

I have informally gathered resolutions and goals for the coming year from various members of the Backrub Collective. Responses have been anonymized.

Check them off with us!

• Stop winning all the time.
• Buy pet.
• Build flower box and grow spices in it.
• More corn in diet.
• Inappropriate comments???? Not for me!!!!!! Appropriate comments only!!!!!!
• Be less d-baggy.
• Jog.
• Rearrange domestic objects astrologically.
• Be more grad student-y.
• Coin at least one new swear word.
• Find out if Prilosec is right for me.
• 80 pp/mo.
• I would like to start smoking and take more baths.
• Quit faking the familiar and being less than judicious. Go Jayhawks!!!
• Wear exclusively hemp-based clothing.
• Dump crummy BF.
• Note everything, otherwise not sure.
• Pleasure book a week.
• Watch entire DVD series of particular TV show.
• Go wind sailing for once.
• Keep taking it easy and doing the awesome.
• Finish my book of poems and bind it.
• Stop starting and delaying and instead start then finish.

I have informally gathered resolutions and goals for the coming year from the University of Kansas English Department faculty, staff, and hangers on. These have been anonymized by near-unanimous request.

Check them off with them!

• Stop murdering the language.
• Donate more.
• The first thing to do is fix the kitchen floor, then, cook a big meal for my family on it, then, get leaves in bags on the side of the house cleared away. Take the kids to Perry before it snows again, back up hard drive, get new office chair squared away. Then, finish my article, then read some things my sister sent me. Other than that, have a positive healthy year! Let me know if you have any more questions.
• Establish contact with a wine investment.
• Bills stuff.
• See mother and brother in Vermont.
• Buy more local meats.
• Take down Monsanto.
• Establish solution groups interdepartmentally and establish orientation schedule for new solution group hires with similar interdepartmental foci.
• Absent of apples/We will plant a tree/Near the driveway
• Fix broken life.
• Stop getting angry at television and books.
• Manage withdrawal symptoms, lift more.
• Be more professor-y.

What's YOUR NYR 2009 AD?